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JASMINE THERESE
"I only love simplicity. I have a horror of pretence."
- Saint Thérèse of Lisieux |
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Thursday, January 31, 2008 I wrote the previous post in an almost insensate fury so I take my words back. Well, it's not like anyone reads this.
Monday, January 28, 2008 Currently Playing: Moi Lolita Alizee It had been quite an eventful weekend, with FSC and what not. Thankfully, I managed to complete my weekend assignments, revise a bit of Econs, and still play around a little. So today hasn't been too bad, considering that it's a long day at school. All's good. So far. Esther and I have decided to sign up for Selangor Open 2007 happening on March 8, and I should be going with Z instead of FS this time. It should be fun, though I suspect that we will not get to shop much... Oh well, I'm sure we can make time for that. ;-)
Friday, January 25, 2008 Whew... I'm finally done with the Lit term paper. It's ten pages long, the longest piece of work I've ever produced. With the exception of Written Report (PW), of course. And I've the feeling that it's about half as screwed as the WR... pray not. Jolyn received her O's results today and she got 6 points. Like Ethel prophesized, the only one who didn't share their celebratory mood was me. Well, it's not that I didn't entirely.. mine was just short-lived. How to be happy with so much work to do, and a test tomorrow to study for! Honest. Speaking of the Econs test, I've yet to begin on my revision and it's already 1:11 AM. That only leaves me with barely 8 hours to study.. not excluding sleep time. At this rate, I'm sure I'll fail the test. So there goes my Erica Tay dreams... hawhaw, just kidding. I should get started with my revision now. It's times like this that I'm thankful for my insomia. And I'm almost motivated to study for Econs through the night... almost. Thanks to Erica Tay. ;-)
Wednesday, January 23, 2008 Having spent the last many laborious hours working on the Literature term paper, I've decided to take some time off from it to blog a little. Like how penning poems is therapeutic to Plath.. okay, enough. I had my last training with Yilong today 'cos Min is back already. Had a couple of minutes of private training with him after the others were dismissed, but I made lots of stupid mistakes. It got to me after a while, and Yilong was getting rather impatient so we called it a day after I managed to do the minimum. He spoke to me about some stuff and suddenly tears just welled in my eyes when he told me to be calm and not to take FSC too seriously this Saturday. It wasn't because I screwed training up, but more like how he was spot on about me feeling terribly anxious about FSC. Well he just told me be strong; to fight back the tears. But I couldn't contain it just as I told him I don't want to let Min down. He said a lot of comforting stuff after that but I honestly remember nothing.. only that he held his hand out to take mine and told me to just have fun, with his ever affirming smile. I realised that I had been trying to suppress my anxieties for the last few days and it drove me nuts. So I'm gonna give myself the whole of tomorrow to worry, to cry, to stress over FSC. Especially after checking the competitors' list. It seems like all the senior national fencers are taking part, with a lot more from elsewhere. But only for tomorrow. From Friday I shall be calm.. And just have fun.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008 Currently Playing: Ever Ever After Carrie Underwood There, Felicia, this song doesn't coincide with my current state of mind at all. Heh nevertheless I find your observation rather amusing. I enjoy hanging out with Felicia. She adopts a light-hearted approach towards life and death and it really rubs off on people around her. :-) On another note, I remember telling Mic how I'm actually an introvert at heart, though for the last couple of years I had been trying to live life like an extrovert. Just simply 'cos I thought extroverts were more popular people. Yeah lah, how shallow. But in recent times I've came to terms with my introverted nature, and it will stay that way. No, that doesn't mean that I'm suddenly becoming shy or reclusive, or suddenly exhibiting the introversion's stereotypic behaviour. I'm still me, essentially. And I still like hanging around with extroverts! In fact I realised most of my close friends are extroverts at heart. Anyway... School is starting to get tough. As much as I'd like to score my As at the end of the day, I find myself having too much on hand to grapple with. Maybe I should start camping at JE library after school everyday. Good idea?
Saturday, January 19, 2008 Currently Playing: Sara Jefferson Starship It has always been a pleasure to read Nazri's blog posts. He's actually quite a deep person, if you look beyond his goofiness and all that. I especially like his latest entry: "We blindly say that life is meaningless. But what do you do when the only one who's missing the whole point of it is you? You learn that life's only meaning is to occupy your otherwise meaningless life. Nothing begets nothing. You're nothing with life. You're nothing without it. And divine intervention unravels you, eventually." Hmmm.. interesting. On another note, I ought to stop worrying about FSC that's happening next Saturday. I find myself becoming overly competitive and this clouds my mind during fencing. Honestly, I don't exactly know what I hope to achieve from this competition... I just want to do justice to the amount of hard work Min and I put into training for the past 2 months. But unless I lose my competitiveness, it's not going to happen. I've thought something up to help me with that, but it's gonna stay my little secret for now. "It's all in your mind," they say. And to that Jerica adds, "You're becoming crazy." Sometimes I think she's maturing too fast.
Friday, January 18, 2008  Currently Playing:This Never Happened Before Paul McCartney This is a great song... full of minor keys, just like many of the songs I like. First heard it on Lakehouse, and have never gotten sick of it since. I read belledejour-uk.blogspot.com as recommended by YY and Steffi. It got my attention for quite a while, but the entries aren't as insightful or enlightening as SPG's. An entertaining read nonetheless... and a lot more updated. Anyway, TGIF! I came home, showered and had a good 5 hours' nap. The entire week has been quite hectic... well at least to me. I tried completing as much work as I could, managing that 6 hours of training on Wednesday, and struggled to keep awake during tutorials on hot lazy afternoons. Well perhaps I hadn't done too great a job, but I think it has been a fairly decent week. If only training tomorrow goes as smoothly as I hope, I'll be happy.
Thursday, January 17, 2008 I've recently started reading sarongpartygirl.blogspot.com after Mr Sas gave us an unseen prose on Madame Butterfly and it sorta triggered my interest in the subject. Not that I can identify with the SPG (as David has claimed), but she writes really well and I find it interesting as to how a nineteen-year-old then could have such a profound attitude towards life. Sure, she must have been through a lot but it's her level of maturity in managing such situations that intrigues me. Go read if you like, but please be forewarned.. her new domain's under construction (for two years already! I doubt it'll be up soon), and there are some rather um, disturbing ads on that new site. As long as you don't click on it, I think you should be fine.
Monday, January 14, 2008 .jpg) I woke up this morning to find coco hiding in a corner, not wanting to get up for food though she was already awake. That's very unusual of her, so my maid tried to drag coco out. And to our horror, coco started limping on only three limbs! Got my maid to remove her left shoe (it's to prevent coco from scratching herself) and we found out that her leg was red and swollen. like a tomato! And when the maid flipped her shoe inside out, omt there was pus on it. Quite sad really.Well, apparently there was insufficient blood circulation cos her shoe was too tight. But she's okay now. She's still greedy, and can walk about quite a lot. Now, that's my darling. I had a long day in school. Lessons were really boring, plus we were dog tired from fitness and conditioning in the morning. Man, can't wait for wednesday.
Sunday, January 13, 2008  Currently Playing:Trouble Coldplay It's almost hard to believe that i'm up this early on a sunday morning. I think my body clock's adjusting itself.. which is all good, really. Had training yesterday and it's the suckiest session i've had in a long time. And i mean suckiest. It's not the 1-hour of footwork that got to me; more like how i couldn't get simple things like tempo and distance right. As if that's not bad enough, free-fencing later was even worse. Fenced a 15-points bout with kai and i totally lost control of myself, which came from the fact that i was trying too hard to win and to atone for my mistakes in the earlier part of training.. and inevitably, i lost sight of the tactical aspects of the bout and end up charging/rushing and attacking at the wrong time, wrong distance. So i was losing 6-9 to kai. Got so overwhelmed with emotions that i didn't know what i was doing and what to do after, except to charge mindlessly, then getting so mad at myself, screamed, and this went on. Yeah lah, very boorish. And for that i'm really apologetic. Anyway coach yl saw that and he calmed me down a bit by shouting out instructions to me from the side. It helped keep my tempo under control, and make my attacks work a tad better so i ended the bout 15-12. Though i won technically, it wasn't really a win cos 1. i displayed really lousy sportsmanship, 2. yl helped me do the mental aspect of fencing while i just executed whatever moves he told me to do, hence it wasn't my own effort and 3. i displayed really lousy sportsmanship again. But fortunately, kai's a nice gentleman. I apologized to him after it and he simply just smiled and said it's okay. No, it's not. But through this experience, i gained a new insight to fencing or to any other sport, on how it's almost imperative to lose one's competitiveness and ego in order to achieve a higher state of enlightenment or understanding or the like. It applies to studies too. Min made it very clear to me last night that i'm going through a stagnancy in my progress in fencing. It's either i get through it to proceed to the next level, or just fall from here. Make, or break.
Saturday, January 12, 2008 Elegy for Jane (My student, thrown by a horse) By Theodore Roethke I remember the neckcurls, limp and damp as tendrils, And her quick look, a sidelong pickerel smile; And how, once startled into talk, the light syllables leaped for her. And she balanced in the delight of her thought, A wren, happy, tail into the wind, Her song trembling the twigs and small branches. The shade sang with her; The leaves, their whispers turning to kissing; And the mold sang in the bleached valleys under the rose. Oh, when she was sad, she cast herself down into such a pure depth, Even a father could not find her; Scraping her cheek against straw; Stirring the clearest water. My sparrow, you are not here, Waiting like a fern, making a spiny shadow. The sides of wet stones cannot console me, Nor the moss, wound with the last light. If only I could nudge you from this sleep, My maimed darling, my skittery pigeon . Over this damp grave I speak the words of my love: I, with no rights in this matter, Neither father nor lover. what a beautiful poem..
 Currently Playing:Spiderwebs No Doubt I find myself fretting over my hair a lot these days. First i couldn't decide to cut it or to let it grow. And when i finally decided, i couldn't decide between posh bob or to just trim it. Then after i trimmed it, i now want the posh bob again, but don't know if i should cut it today or wait till it grows a bit longer. Sigh, talk about being indecisive.. My maid just bathed coco. When i went out to dry her, i saw her furiously rolling on the carpet in the living room so she can dry her fur!
Wednesday, January 09, 2008 Life moves pretty fast. If you're not careful, you might miss it.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008 Forgive the previous entry. Just needed to discharge some thoughts. Moving on.. I finally got my mob of a hair trimmed a bit. Though it feels a lot lighter, i'm not used to the sight of having less hair on my head. It makes me feel.. bald. Anyway school's started to get increasingly tough, and i have set some motivation to get me going. I really want to do either banking or journalism in university next year (well, presumably i don't get kicked back to year 1 along the way) and i've no back-up plan yet. It's just Do or Die. Okay, time to get cracking..
Monday, January 07, 2008  Currently Playing:Fortress Pinback This entry is largely about fencing and coach min. A bit lengthy so if it doesn't interest you.. Anyway. I spent the weekend doing fencing, and some um.. overdue homework. Training wasn't very productive on saturday cos we spent unnecessary time doing too much drills and footwork, with lotsa waiting time in between each set. But thankfully min asked me to go down on sunday evening for extra individual training which i thought was a lot more meaningful. Learnt many new tactics and he thought up a set of exercise specially for me to train my wrist muscles. And min knows that i don't own my own sabre lame and electric gloves and he specially got them for me so that i have everything that i'd need for FS Challenge. He's a damn good coach lah, and i feel really blessed. He's going back to china for a vacation next week and has already arranged for yl to give me extra training for the upcoming competitions. It's nice to have a coach who really gives his all just to train you. It's especially good cos both my teammates have left z already, and i don't have anyone to attend z training or to team up with for local competitions anymore. Amazing how fast things change. It has only been two months since we teamed in taipei. Not that i'm blaming any one of them them of course. If the grass is greener on the other side, then no one is to stop them from leaving. However, i am feeling a bit skeptical. Oh well whatever it is, i wouldn't let it affect my training. Been through a lot of discouragement the past year and it took me some great deal to get back on with fencing. I don't want to fail coach and myself again. Suurrreee, how cheesy. But i really mean it.
Thursday, January 03, 2008  Currently Playing:Don't Look Back In Anger Oasis I was feeling rather pensive, and thought i might take some time off geog and blog a little.. but i just could not find the right words. I've been doing a bit more thinking these coupla days. Not that i'm feeling emo-memo as ethel likes to say, but perhaps it's just the thing with new years. Comtemplative, reflective, introspective and maybe even nonsensical-tive. Second day into school already, and it hasn't been too bad thus far. Lessons have not gotten too intense yet but we're expecting it to pick up very soon. I was initially feeling sore about the fact that Ms Kat has been replaced by Ms Tng, and Kwok by Hiap for pe, but oh well Ms Zaleena's pretty good as a lit teacher. And oh speaking of pe, we took our height and weight measurements today. As much as i would like to believe that the reading on the scale is inaccurate, i should stop deluding myself. 'Nuff said there. Okay, getting back to geog..
Tuesday, January 01, 2008  Currently Playing:Stand By Me Oasis 2007 had been a rather eventful year. Many great things happened, like new school, new friends, fencing, new teammates, my first overseas competition, first work experience etc. I really had a lot of fun throughout the entire year, even if it was just preparing for promos. Certainly, there were not-so-good times, but looking back, i truly had an amazing year. If it's ever possible, i wouldn't mind living 2007 again. But on the other hand, i'm looking forward to 2008! School's gonna be hectic, with the A levels' coming up, but i'll learn to manage it. And that shall be my resolution of the year. It's a good thing that esther sharm and i all have major exams together this year, so our team won't suffer much when we give fencing up after asian schools fencing c'ships in july. In the meantime, we've to train hard and push our rankings up a bit before we go on our hiatus. And you've no idea how much i've always longed to be eighteen! Well, happy new year everyone, and may you have a top 2008 ahead!
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